Our year in review and some parting thoughts: Change, loss, & growth in the form of a sabbatical

Last summer, I read Lori Gottlieb's book Maybe You Should Talk to Someone. The author, a therapist in the Los Angeles area, finds herself seeking therapy after a difficult breakup. She offers a thought-provoking, laugh-out-loud funny, honest, and relatable take on life as she explores her experiences as a patient and a therapist.

One of my favorite Kindle highlights from this book was: 

"We can't have change without loss, which is why so often people say they want change but nonetheless stay exactly the same."

    Change can encompass something as simple as modifying your diet to a drastic decision, such as moving to another country and assimilating into a new culture. Regardless of the degree of change, it can encompass a multitude of emotions: transition, exploration, risk, fear, uncertainty, grief, loss, growth, anxiety, and opportunity. When one door closes, another opens. 

In an era of social media and technological interconnectedness, it is easy to glimpse into the aspects of people's lives that they want to share, typically successes, growth, or epic adventures. Since the COVID-19 pandemic, there has been a surge in "#vanlife" as more people work remotely and take to the road. These posts only show you part of the story, not necessarily the periods of uncertainty or sacrifice that went into alternative lifestyles. We experienced many periods of uncertainty before, during, and after our trip. Change sometimes seemed like a form of loss for us, yet in the end, it allowed for necessary growth and new opportunities. 

• • •

Last May, we were packing up our eight-year apartment, searching for a loving home for our bunny, and leaving our jobs. I quit my job at the hospital where I had worked as a nurse for nine years. During this time, I was also studying as much as possible for my nurse practitioner (NP) board exam amid packing.

While living in a half-vacant apartment last May, we finally found a loving home for Misty. We had a moment of reckoning the day we had to pack up her house, fleece blankets, cardboard toys, and litter box. It was like suddenly being hit by a wall of grief and doubt. Thoughts like, "Are we doing this for a climbing trip?" crept into our heads. Not only were we parting with a pet (Zane had adopted Misty at Best Friends and had her for almost nine years, and had had her as a companion throughout many life stages), but in that moment, it felt like we were uprooting our lives, and it was a lot of work. 

Still, the biggest adventures come with the most significant change. We had been loosely dreaming of this type of trip years in advance, yet before we left, I still spent way too much time rationalizing my fears around these changes and what, at the time, felt like risks. 

When I told colleagues I would travel after graduate school, most assumed I was traveling as a nurse. One nurse even asked if it was more my husband's idea than my own (no, he is not forcing my hand). When I shared my plan with professors and other nurse practitioner colleagues, even those who are typically involved in hiring within their department, most were very positive about my trip and the choice to take a gap. Many reinforced that it would not hinder my job search. A few people I spoke with expressed their belief that a year or more resume gap could become a red flag. Most of the feedback I received was positive, but I struggled with rationalizing my doubts and uncertainties as a new graduate NP. 

While we were in Rocklands, we started discussing the possibility of shortening the trip, so I began looking at job postings even while abroad. I recall seeing a job posting for a position where I had previously completed 240 hours of school training and enjoyed the rotation. Even as I was fulfilling my dream and living abroad, it was hard not to feel some doubt about seeing a potential job opportunity come and go, especially when the unknown future lay ahead. 

Near the end of our time in South Africa, we also began to internalize the duration of the trip and realize that our original plans were unrealistic (as mentioned previously). We went from thinking we would be traveling for at least a year straight to deciding we would try to get back to our everyday life when we were stateside (except for the time spent in Hueco). I fell in love with Rocklands and was trying to rationalize the possibility of returning in the Summer of 2025. I was in the bargaining stage of grief. Our trip plan changed drastically, which felt like a heavy decision at the time. We loved our time and the experience, and this decision was strictly related to climbing fitness, feeling injury-prone, anticipating diminishing returns, and re-prioritizing life goals. Thankfully, Zane was rational about this choice because we made the right call. 

During my time abroad, I had moments when I missed my friends and family. At home in Salt Lake, I enjoy catching up with the people in my life over coffee or walks. While abroad, I was in a different time zone, making it harder to maintain connections. There were moments of loneliness, but I still valued the solitude as it forced me to disconnect and rest. I was still able to enjoy text conversations with friends and FaceTime with my parents, providing support, especially when we were making changes to our trip itinerary and life plans. Equally, I am grateful for the people I met on our trip; hanging out and meeting new people at the boulders is a socially engaging and stimulating experience.

When we returned stateside, I was experiencing some severe trip hangover or some degree of grief. We had spent years (some abstractly & others concretely) planning and anticipating this gap year and trip. It created so much motivation and purpose for us, and eventually, we realized that the anticipation of the trip was, in a weird way, one of the best parts. Even when we were months into Rocklands, the passage of time struck me, which is why I was trying to rationalize a scenario where we could return to Rocklands in the Summer of 2025. A significant reason we changed our plans was due to the realization of how much we valued having a goal and something to look forward to, more so than a marathon-style or all-you-can-eat buffet-style vacation. 

• • •

The concessions we made to make this trip a reality involved significant changes. There were moments of uncertainty, fear of the unknown, and some loss. More than anything, though, the changes created new opportunities time and time again. Thoughts and feelings are not always a reflection of reality. 

We left our apartment of eight years, which we had irrationally loved for its massive south-facing window. Yet, we had ignored the rising rent prices, poor heating and cooling systems, and the property management company.  When we returned stateside, we found a new apartment thanks to a college friend, which has proved to be more affordable, spacious, comfortable, and in a better location. 

In many ways, it was hard to leave my nursing job. I worked at the same hospital, an academic medical center, for nine years, partly due to the belief that it offered the best healthcare in the valley and was an ideal environment for learning and growth. Essentially, it provided many opportunities both professionally and financially; however, I have recently had the experience of working in a smaller local hospital, which has proved to be one of my favorite jobs. My local travel nursing job was higher-paying and flexible. 

We felt the loss most heavily while saying goodbye to Misty. On our way home from dropping her off, Zane had a severe asthma attack due to having Misty in the car. The reality is that her new owners are a loving family, and not owning a pet has helped Zane's asthma and allergies. 

The unknown around finding my first NP job created periods of uncertainty and anxiety. Seeing job postings come and go while I was abroad heightened these feelings at times. The reality was that I found a job that aligned with my professional and personal goals. If I had applied for jobs right after graduating from school, I might not have been as open-minded to exploring all job options. I would likely have ended up in a position more familiar to me, but less aligned with my goals. Highlighting my trip in a job interview also helps me stand out by showcasing my initiative in all aspects of life. The gap year also allowed me to recharge and feel motivated and excited about beginning my NP career. 

The trip and gap year also created an opportunity for Zane to leave his largely dead-end sales job and explore his passions and various career paths. It is still a work in progress, but he is now focusing on coding and cybersecurity, investing more in a long-term career and financial health. 

Time abroad created a feeling of distance with some friendships. It was hard to internalize those changes when I was back stateside, feeling the stress of life and the uncertainty of the unknown. Still, these changes helped me realize who my true friends are and create more time to invest in those existing friendships, as well as develop new ones. 

Once the trip was over, or even as time passed, we felt a sense of loss. We no longer had this epic adventure on our horizon to look forward to. Changing the timeline of the trip allowed us to reevaluate our values and prioritize having shorter, more frequent trips to look forward to. It is always hard, especially for me, to not want more time.  

In Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, Gottlieb wrote: 

"But rather than feeling like I needed more time, I found something satisfying about our time being up."

 Now, I feel satisfied with the time I've had and excited about the future stages of life and the opportunities that lie ahead.

Memories of the adventures, time, and people will always stay with me. However, it would also be shortsighted to overlook the work and commitment that went into making the decision. I spent a lot of time anticipating and overanalyzing the potential outcomes; I was ready to commit to the trip, but still feared the unknown. The past twelve months taught me that life does have a way of working itself out. 

As a final parting thought, change and growth come in stages. Years ago, I feared returning to graduate school and the work it would entail, as well as the realities of being a nurse practitioner. I gave this decision a lot of thought in advance, and ultimately, it was a very positive and fulfilling experience. The cyclical pattern of anticipating the unknown, making a change anyway, and then realizing the reality was not as bad as your worst fears, or even better than before, helps reinforce confidence with future decisions. 

Doing something prompts you to do something else, replacing a vicious cycle with a virtuous one. Most big transformations come about from the hundreds of tiny, almost imperceptible steps along the way. – Lori Gottlieb

Beauty in Rockland, images from the 2023 and 2024 trip. Liam, Zane, and Meagan at Roadside